Month: November 2017

Sydney Lang’s Essay Peer Review Response

Peer’s Essay

English 110

Section C

09/20/17

Upon first looking at the piece it looked well formatted, nothing extreme stood out to me that needed to be changed with its appearance, I am not sure what font it is in but I am pretty sure that we are supposed to turn formal papers in with Times New Roman. Once I got into reading the piece I started being lead in multiple directions, and I was a little unsure as to what your thesis was, but by the concluding paragraph it was clearer, so I recommend that you go back and make sure that it is clear to the reader what exactly you are convincing them of. As for your supporting paragraphs, you used many great examples from the texts, but at times I was unsure of what the purpose of some paragraphs were as I was reading them, so I suggest that you work on organizing what you want to prove to the reader in each paragraph and how your selected evidence supports your argument. Overall, I think it was a very well written essay, you just need to sit down with it and iron out what exactly you want to prove to the reader, and I think you touched upon that in the concluding paragraph, so maybe rework your thesis based on that. Awesome Job!!!

Sydney Lang’s Essay Peer Review Response

English 110

Section C

11-13-17

Revision Plan for Essay #3

My Goal:

My goal for this essay is to focus my arguments and tie each and every paragraph back to the thesis to provide the essay with a sense of unity and solidarity throughout it. My goal is also to limit my use of summary through my essay, to prevent the frequency of excessively wordy paragraphs.   

Plan:

My plan to attack these goals and achieve them is to break apart my essay into separate paragraphs and look at them as if they were to stand on their own. By doing this, I will be able to see if each paragraph relates and ties into the thesis enough that if I did not have the thesis itself within the paragraph, someone could still be able to figure out what I am arguing. To limit summary, I plan to highlight specifically where I am using summary and see the maximum amount that I can eliminate without losing clarity.  

Obstacles:

The obstacles that I might face when I am trying to achieve my goal could include my tendency to over analyze, this specifically relating to the removal of summary resulting in the need to overcompensate in analysis as an attempt to limit confusion, when in all actuality it promotes confusion. A way of limiting this over analysis, I would need to go through my work and try to distinguish what is most vital to keep within my text, and what needs to be cut.  

Sydney’s Architectural Draft:

English 110C

11-08-17

Working Thesis: Technology is negatively impacting the growing individual.

• Claim 1- Technology negatively affects the individual emotionally
  • • Evidence– social media can cause a sense of depression and as individuals are on it for extended and excessive periods of time they can become more susceptible to depression
    • Evidence– emotionally people can express their immaturities online and these later can cause individuals to feel regret for posting or commenting certain things when they did not really know that it will be there forever
    • Evidence- cyberbullying is a medium that anyone of any age can be targeted and attacked

• Claim 2- Technology negatively affects the individual physically
  • Evidence– If people are constantly seeing what society says that they ‘should look a certain way’ this could cause harmful disorders including eating disorders (which are also psychological) or could cause the individual to be prompted and encouraged to alter themselves to ‘fit in better’
  • Evidence– If an individual is playing on their technology this can prevent them from doing other activities, such as playing physical sports, working out and keeping their body and heart healthy  

• Claim 3- Technology negatively affects the individual financially
  • Evidence– technology can be used as a distraction preventing people from getting their tasks done, putting their job in jeopardy
  • Evidence– If the individual is always posting about their life when they young through adulthood, I know I do not think all of the same things that I thought when I was younger, this record could negatively impact the individual and prevent them from being hired by potential employers

• Claim 4- Technology negatively affects the individual socially
  • Evidence– when a person is always communicating through a screen they can lose their ability to communicate person to person, which is a significant skill…being a person
  • Evidence– misinterpreted messages, can hurt relationships, as people are thinking their message says one thing but someone else interprets it differently

• Claim 5- Technology negatively affects the individual intellectually
  • Evidence– Technology can help to offer a plethora of neverending information, but with that comes misinformation and fake news and that can be dangerous especially if an individual cannot establish the difference between the two
  • Evidence– the constant use of technology promotes frequent distraction as people are becoming acclimated to the frequent pop-ups, advertisements, etc.

Closing (new angle to revisit main idea with): Maybe it is a cultural change that is leading to this over involvement with technology, and maybe we need to change the age in which children are being exposed to technology until they can really understand the repercussions

Podcast for English 110

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSXRC1HOLxc&feature=youtu.be

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSXRC1HOLxc&feature=youtu.be

Throughout my high school career, I was an avid participant in Track and Field. Because I am always up for a challenge, I participated in what I called, the “fun events.” This included, but was not limited to: hurdles, high jump, pole vault, pentathlon, triple jump, and so on. The first event that I started with freshman year was hurdles. I figured they would be a brease having danced my whole life, but there was more than flexibility, running, and jumping to it. I saw runners running full speed at these obstacles and gliding over it with a margin of a couple of cementers between them and the hurdle. A minor miscalculation would surely lead to a swift tumble to the floor. But this did not scare me away, I jumped and ran and bounded…and fell my fair share, until I was a top hurdler for my school. The process was not easy, as you can surprisingly jump wrong in so many ways, via bounding (taking louder, longer, and heavy strides) and stuttering (taking many short strides before the hurdle). With the determination from wanting to do my best, and the instruction from an amazing coach (shoutout to Coach O’Malley!) I found myself quite pleased with my results. Similar to the recursive writing process, it is important to be determined when writing, much like getting the perfect form when hurdling, to result in a product that you are happy with. Also it is important to have a great coach and teacher by your side to help you along the way.

Sydney Lang

11-3-17

English 110-C

Initially I was looking for an essay that would prove to the reader why technology is beneficial to the individual, but then I came across this essay which does not directly get to this message exactly, but with some analysis this perspective can be wrung from the literary work of choice. The essay that I chose is called, “Say Everything” written by the author Emily Nussbaum. Within this essay Nussbaum touches upon the beliefs and ideas revolving around the specific generation that says everything. With this perspective, she touches upon the belief that the people from this connected generation are shameless, especially when it comes to sharing on the internet. But within her first couple of starting paragraphs she introduces her personal experience talking with someone that ‘overshared’ their childhood, teenage adolescence, and past experiences with the internet world, and she found herself being protective of her and her choices, which I found to be an interesting point of view. I chose this essay as I found it to be an interesting perspective to take regarding my generation. Having older parents I have been raised with the older generation’s thought on the over-exposure on the internet, as well as my friends thoughts and opinions on their internet experiences as they grew into using it. I can share common ground with the essay as I have seen what one might call a cases of oversharing on the internet. Personally I can relate to the interviewee’s statement from early on in the essay where she said, “I wouldn’t ever put up anything I wouldn’t want my mother to see” (Nussbaum 1). The mentality I was taught was, “do not type, photograph, post, or comment, anything that you would not be proud to see plastered across a billboard” (Lang haha). Other than being able to relate to the essay’s topic, it connects to my perspective that I plan on fighting in my next essay. This source is considered to be acceptable as it was not only provided by my professor as a source, but the New York magazine is known for being a reputable source for legitimate writers to input their pieces of literary work. Also through the library visit, the class learned of the CRAAP test to essentially see if a source is crap or not. C– standing for currency, or how recent was this article posted. R– is for relevance, how closely does this relate to the topic at hand. A– being the authority, is the source sketchy or is it from a legitimate source. A– being accuracy, for how accurate is the piece, is it completely bias or is it well balanced. Finally, P– purpose, the point of writing the piece, to promote a cause, to educate people, to advertise, etc. Nussbaum’s “Say Everything” passes the CRAAP test as it is current, relevant, it has authority, it is accurate, and its purpose is appropriate as it is not promoting one idea too much that it clouds any other opinion. As I read through the article I brainstorm all of the possible connections that I could be drawing to Wasik, Restak, and to Anderson. For example in the quote, “They are interested only in attention—and yet they have zero attention span, flitting like hummingbirds from one virtual stage to another, (Nussbaum 2). This relates to the common theme that both Restak and Anderson share and its dependence on technology connects back to Wasik as well. This just being the first of many connections that this essay provides.